June 14, 2009

Im done here.

I’ve found God where I’d thought Id find him last.

I’ve found God at the bottom of a shot-glass.

I’ve seen the sinister side of human nature lurk,

Ive seen the fine lines of morality blurred.

I’ve been an observer for far too long. Always I stand and watch the world pass me by, like a shadow or an echo. If I were to fade into obscurity no one would notice. Least of all my best friend whom i’ve known for 8 years now. I doubt she would even see this post. I doubt anyone would, and this leaves me with the freedom of expressing my innermost fears and insecurities (I have many, by the way) as they come bursting forth like a trill of glissando’s as if my life were a twisted piano piece, and the virtuoso a madman, and we are naught but notes that ring for a spilt second before fading into oblivion. (damn melodramatic.)

Time slips away ever so discreetly, before you know it the best years of your life pass you by, leaving you with ‘what ifs’ and ‘I wish could haves” . We have our reasons when we say we aren’t free, or when something else takes priority.

Ive always felt that Ive done the best I could as a friend to you. When you refused to acknowledge me as your best friend in secondary school because I was a nerd, and you were popular and you had your other friends. When they screwed you over in the end i was behind you 150%. When you needed me I was there. And when you didn’t because of your social obligations I made myself scarce. I proudly introduced you to my other friends I made later on when we moved on to poly. Your friends? I barely even knew their names.

I knew you had financial issues so I helped you the best I could. And when you found your other half I was happy for you, although you didn’t make it for my birthday because you went overseas with him. And now, you’re caught up with your life and I haven’t seen you since.

The point of the post was not to make you feel guilty, because for all that you have always lent me a listening ear when you could, and I don’t hold it against you.

I am insecure when I watch my friends remember their other friends birthdays and make it seem like the most important thing in the world,and it saddens me because it reminds me of how little I mean to the ones whose importance I hold with the highest regard.

And it saddens me when my own mother hurls abuse at me for reasons which are trivial, and although it may seem that I glance them off , little cracks appear in the glassy facade Ive fashioned for myself.

I am well and truly tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. I want to be loved. I want to feel appreciated. I want to tell the world that I am alive.

But that’s not gonna happen.

3…….2……..1……

Vanish.